I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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