He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
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The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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