Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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