Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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