its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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