Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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