I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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