the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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