Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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Everyone says I win the strip club
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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