I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
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friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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