everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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