I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
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Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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