why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
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I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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