as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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