meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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