Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize