I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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