During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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