sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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