if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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