My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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