the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize