He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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