I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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