waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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