Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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