What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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