my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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