Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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