Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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