just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize