Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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