she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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