Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
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I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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