I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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