He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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