summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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