Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
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Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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