I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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