He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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