So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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