he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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