Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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