Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
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I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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