his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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