i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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