i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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