he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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