the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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