8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so let's talk penis.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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